[Rat]

July 24, 2002

"You two have no reason to not get along!" My mother's final words after storming out of the room. I wonder. Why can't she admit that she's wrong on this? She's been saying the same thing for years. And she's wrong. Yeah, I know, I said that she's wrong twice, but I can't emphasize that point enough. My mother's never *gasp* wrong. Neither is my dad. Oh, no. It would be a crime of such horrible calibre to be wrong, even just once. But of course I'm always wrong. I don't know any better. I'm just fourteen. Still a kid. I don't know what anything's like. I haven't experienced enough.

But back to the point. Mom seems to think that my sister and I have no reason to not get along. My sister and I have every reason to not get along. We hate each other. I don't know where to start in describing her, but I'll try.

She's almost two years younger than I am. But it's not her age, but her personality that gets to me. She is a genuine bitch. She yells, she screams, and she always has to have her way. We had fish for dinner. All she said was "I don't like fish.". It was like she was some sort of movie star, or a goddess. She doesn't like what's being served for dinner, so she complains. And demands it be changed. I'm on the computer. She comes. If I'm watching TV at the same time, she changes the channel to one of her godawful "teen idol" type shows. If I'm not watching TV, she demands that I get off the computer immediately. It doesn't matter that I'm writing an important email, or an essay or rant to keep myself from killing her. She wants to check her "emailzuh". Now.

And it doesn't help that mom's on her side. She says she isn't, that my sister doesn't get "special treatment", but I know she does. Mom has never once yelled at Deb to get off the computer so I could go on, yet I never hear the end of it if I don't humor them immediately. She has never had to do any of my little jobs and chores, but I find myself doing hers all the time. Anything I do miss doing, whether because of absence at the moment, or for some other reason, I have to make up for. She's never had to make up for anything she didn't do. And my parents wonder why I'm always yelling at them to make Deb do whatever they told me to do. Because she owes it to me. Times about six billion. What do they think? I'm not that lazy, even though I come pretty close to it at times.

My parents don't know how many worthless tears I've shed because of them. They don't know that I so often feel like the latest bit of bad news is my fault. They don't know that if the one person who keeps me alive, even though he doesn't know it, ever leaves, or dies, it's an automatic death sentence for me. I'd degrade, falling deeper and deeper into depression, and they don't know about the knife I keep in my room. Or the matches. They don't know that the tears that are now drying on my face even exist, let alone that they caused them. Oh, no, they couldn't do that. They're perfect.

Well, let me tell you something. I'm not. I'm not perfect, so I don't know why they expect me to be.

[edraket]

I can't help much actually. Except for say that some people just don't mix. Even when they are family. Sometimes it can be fixed sometimes it can't. Try to fix it (talk, yell, write letters whatever)..if that fails..be out as much as you can.

[Awetopsy]

smile on purpose. seriously smile.do anything in the world you can to find a reason to smile.



see doesnt that feel just a little better?

(i know you think thats pretty lame advice, but you are the one who just yped out a huge rant and said "depression". Smiling is actually good for you. What do oyu think would happen if anytime your sister yelled at you, or your mother or whoever yelled at you, and you just smiled at them.. not saying a word)

[Gort]

I will try to offer some direction. I am one of eight kids, and growing up was very, very trying at times to say the least. As a young boy and teenager, I was constantly assailed from almost every flank. If it wasn't one it was another and so on. Peace and solitude were often found in the piney woods or the quiet porch of my friends Fr. John Gilmore and his wife (God rest their souls). Let me also say that I am not perfect, for I still find myself struggling with the often encountered antagonistic nature of those near me and from myself.

Something to try and remember is control. If you're sister engages in behavior that is undiplomatic and inconsiderate, then you should try to stay on a level of control and calm. By engaging with her in the same manner, you disempower yourself; you've lost control and thus will not be taken seriously. You've entered and become part of her sphere of antagonism. The end result is hurt feelings and pain; this is no way for human beings to be with one another. We're all very capable of happiness, and even though you may feel far removed from it, it's actually closer than you think.

Even if after years and years of constant BS from your sister, if you maintain control and maturity, there will come a time when she may very well resent her own actions; she will eventually, as she grows older, see that she was wrong in the way she did things. Also if you remain calm and in control while your sister continues to spin, you parents will most likely at some time notice as well; you will appear as a rock in a torrent stream of emotion - letting it all of flow around you; your calm nature cannot be moved.

Sit her down and try to diplomatically manage the time for the computer; engage in mature dialogue - not shouting matches; it may be hard, but think of her as a good friend; would you be abrasive to a good friend? Of course you wouldn't, so try to treat her in the same way - you parents too. If the other side starts to raise their voice and show abrasiveness, then try to diffuse by asking, "Why are you getting angry and rasing your voice? Did I raise my voice? There's no need to shout - why are you shouting? I didn't shout at or insult you" If it continues, then just gracefully excuse yourself from the discussion on the grounds that you refuse to take part in sword rattling, banter, etc. You're there to solve a problem, not create or foster an existing one.

You have feelings; your sister has feelings; your Mom and Dad - believe it or not - have feelings. Try not to engage in antagonistic behaviour - it hurts in the end.

quote:

---

As soon as you concern yourself with the "good" and "bad" of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you. - Morihei Ueshiba

---

[edible snowman]

are you bigger than her? smack her around a little to keep her in line. although if she's anything like my younger brother she'll cry to mom and just make things worse. i'd suggest small, untraceable pranks like stealing something she's looking for, then just as shes about to flip out putting it back in the first place she looked. it doesn't help much, but its satisfying.

[Rat]

Thanks, guys.

edakret - heh. I don't mix with most people.

Awetopsy - you're an idiot*, but you almost made me smile.

Tom Carter - hate to break it you, but I've already tried most of that.

edible snowman - though she's younger than me, she's bigger. Scary, ain't it?

*[edit]Just under 12 hours later, I remember that you people can't read my mind. I meant that in a good way.[/edit]

[ July 25, 2002: Message edited by: Rat ]

[[666]Flat]

Wassup, candy gurl!

Yeah, yeah, the usual circumstances: the first born kids never get the same attention than those coming after and the youngest kid is always the "baby" getting special treatment. There's no reason for feelings of guilt, it's just a hard phase you're getting through part of the process of growing up - but it well be over some day and you will look back and think for yourself, damn things looked so nasty back then but today everything looks so banal it's almost funny. The reason for all this shitdip is simple: they don't know if they should treat you like a mature person or more like a kid. Try to reflect the view and the situation of your parents on yourself - they want to protect you, but make sure you become an independent and mature person as well.

Those are goals which ain't easy to merge and thus they'll always do and say things that don't seem to make sense from you own point of view and might seem just plain unfair. It's always like that - try to deal with it with humor and be assured things ain't easy for your parents too.

If you wanna get along with them and your sister, call your whole family together and discuss with them what's going on in your mind and how you feel about certain patterns of behaviour. Release da pressure, baby! Once things get rollin' you might get insights you never expected and vice versa.

Think over it: your parents might expect responsibility and participation from you, but when it comes to trust you're the numero uno on their list. Who do you think is more likely to get daddy's or mommy's car for cruisin' downtown? Your little "baby" sister or the mature, responsible daughter they lay trust in? You bet.

Trust comes with responsibility and as fucked up it might seem right now, you're gonna like the advantages trust comes with one day - trust me! Now dump that frickin' knife, be self-conscious enjoy every breath you take, for great things are still up to come. And you don't really wanna miss those.

[edraket]

[Nilwort]

OH MY GOD!

[Nilwort]

quote

Quote:

I'd degrade, falling deeper and deeper into depression, and they don't know about the knife I keep in my room. Or the matches. They don't know that the tears that are now drying on my face even exist, let alone that they caused them.

well...you seem intelligent enough, can't you just walk up to your parents and say: "hey, mom, dad, this sucks, why is my sister so privileged?" Then provide several reasons and situations which pissed you off to back up your arguement, if they deny listening to that, then you can tell them that they are making you neurotic...if that doesn't work...hmm...

[Gort]

Keep trying...

Just remember this: there are more important things in this world to cry over. Think of all of the energy wasted on shouting, crying and smacking. It's absurd...

Hang in there...keep trying to work it out. If it gets too much for you, just bail out...find a place to cool down. Try talking to your parents one on one - if you haven't already. Place emphasis on resolution - show 'em you're serious.

Keep trying...


And Flat:
That's probably some of the most intelligent thought I've ever heard come out of your head...


Listen to Flat - Rat.

[ July 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tom Carter ]

[Rat]

Lots of advice. A lot of which I've tried, but I still appreciate. As a 14 year old girl, I find I can't talk to my parents about how I feel. But anyway.

Flat - you're scaring me...but yeah. Good advice.

edakret - Flat's dream?

Nilwort - they refuse to see that they're giving her special treatment. Their excuse is that I get more stuff (like CDs and stuff), and more freedom (like in the three seconds I'm not having to do something... )

Tom Carter - that's why I ignore everything when I can get away with it.

[zak]

i have properly "educated" my brother. im very sadistic, but so is he?! i guess its all in the family
anyway, i find that im getting along with my brother much better thou. it comes with age. the age gap narrows the older you get. i take him out with me sometimes and he mixes quite well with my gang of friends. i still like to flex my muscles from time to time to show him who's boss (ends up in playfighting most of the time) if parents give me shit, i guess i got used to it and dont care too much. if they ground me, all i can say im only up on the first floor, its not too high. i was in the exact same situation as you are, take it from me, try to win her as a friend since its very advantageous for yourself (take my word for it), if everything fails, show her whose boss. at that age actions count more than words, no matter what anyone says

[ July 26, 2002: Message edited by: zak ]

[radical travis]

ahh geez, you know what really sucks about the troubles of being a kid is that there's nothing you can do most of the time. you grow past this kind of stuff, and no there won't be justice for all the dire lack of respect and indignities you've experienced. but you won't give a damn at all when you're older and not experiencing those things any more. in the meantime try not to blow out your nervous system

cheers

[zak]

arrrgh. better to have retarded siblings that are just retarded, than havce retarded siblings that try and act clever. mine just thought yeah ill make a website. im a kickass webmaster!!!!! what the hell did he do??? applied a theme and thereby rewined my website. everything is screwed up. arrrrrgh. word of advice. always make sure you hide your website files!!!!!!!!!!

[Asurfael]

My god, sounds like me when I was 14 Except that I'm a girl and the 12 year old was my brother. Always crying out for attention, and he got it too. Anyway, it'll pass. You're just taking it all too seriously. Trust me. It'll pass by the time she's 16 (if she's anything like a normal kid) when she realizes that trying to be adult isn't what she should be doing (another step at trying to be adult, phew), and also notices that bossing around is what children do, adults discuss things maturely (that's what she'll think anyhow).

And even if she doesn't realize that, you won't be living at home forever. It is agony while you're there, but... Uhm. Teen angst, that's what it is really (for the both of you, it seems). You not being experienced enough, probably true. But who expects you to be when you're 14? At that age you're supposed to hate your siblings. Then when you're both over 20 you start to notice it's not really that horrible (and by that time you probably won't be living under the same roof either, distance makes closer blah blah).

Anyhow, just try to hang in there When you're 20 and studying elsewhere you'll laugh about this.

[Coaster]

Its interesting to bring up the whole special treatment thing to the second born, and related intellegance...

I am the second born but after spending a day with my sister and me, you'd think it the other way around. I could just be pessimistic, but it really seems like she gets all the good treatment. My theory is that when you look at my birthday, sept 30th, 9 months earlier is february, now I was about two weeks early, and that makes my conception date feb. 14th (there is a slight chance its not) NOW! judging by the over fertility gene both of the sides of my family have its most likely I was an accident. Although my mom didn't get a job (even though we where hovering around poverty at the time) so she could raise me herself (this was before the internet) i.e. taking me to the library and museums and my all time favorite, the boston museum of sciecne with their gigantic van degraph(sp?!) machine.

Its pretty conflicting and I'm not too sure about some of it, but it seems right.

Whats really bothered me is how I've never been bothered by the concept of being an accident. They could have meant to have me, but sometimes I think...

[Twinspeak]

Rat - All i can say is that time goes on, and people change. Speaking personally, i hated my Older brother (also oldest). He was a control freak. I thought of him as Hitler; if anyone spoke against him, he'd crush'em. Sometimes i couldn't take him anymore and thought about causing him pain in a violent way.

My parents of course weren't home most of the time, so they would just tell him to not harm us (My twin, Sister, and I). But they never really enforced it. Of course, we tried to putch him out of control, but were futile. But we changed, he changed, as time passed. As I later realized, he was just fraustrated ( i think i spelled it wrong) with himself. He was jelouse of us, we were the younger ones, and of course, were pampered by our mom. Also we outshinned him at school and at home. Now, he shows his admiration of us (twin, I, sis) and vise versa. We're now very close.

Anyways, my point is, that people grow up, and change. I now look back, and also see all the times he protected us, and took responsability for all of us. In a way, he was our guardian, just like You are 'Rat' for your sister. Oh, and i realise i was pain in the Ass!

[ August 02, 2002: Message edited by: Twinspeak ]

[social drone]

being the old one. i get blamed for everything that goes wrong...even though i dont live in the same city (or state even) i still get blamed. its fucking insane.

welcome to the big brother club...if your sisters a bitch, best thing you can do is move out. i did.

sisters are bitches, its true.

[jr]

i was raised by robots.

[Coaster]

thats nothing, I AM a robot

[Snorkles]

That's nothing, I ain't even a robot... I am banaaaaaaana. Yeah.

[Basement bound]

This was the last post I am/was going to read. I am going to come back and write more. I am just wrecked(lots going on). I just wanted to say that I feel for ya, and that some times we all would like to cut off that sore limb.

edit: I came back.

Life when you are in the mid teens is gut wrenching. They were right, it does get better. But, it does when you realize things about your parents, learn more about them, and forgive them for thier faults. My brother has a few mild special needs, and because of them my parents have always treated him a certain way. When I was younger I didn't understand that, now I kinda do. I say kinda because I see miss judgements on my parents parts that have done more damage then good, due to thier behavior towards him.
For your situation. I would accept that they treat them differently. Don't like it just accept that that is the way it is for now. As you sister grows up she will mature too the point where she is not nearly as bad. Unless your parents change their behavior your sister will never completely change. persue your intrests and do things that make you happy and your parents will react well to that behavior (providing that you behave well yourself) Hope that gives you some comfort.

JA

[ August 08, 2002: Message edited by: Basement bound ]