[eyewoo]

I've been working on a short picture book for pre-school and early elementary school aged kids. Not all the pictures are complete, but the incomplete ones do have rough grayscale sketches in place. I'd be interested in any and all comments, suggestions, crits, etc. either here or by email to me. My email link is at the top of every page. There are 14 pages.

It is password protected and located at www.eyewoo.com/bam/index.html

usename: bam
password: coldkitty

Merry Christmas...
Pray for peace...
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[oDD]

hehe, i really like it. I like the cat very much, i like the story, especially that the cat is showed throu all the seasons of year.

some c&c. if you dont like it just ignore it

page 1 - i think it's said too soon that bam likes to spend his time on the roof. Here you could only say that bam loves the winter the most from all the seasons.

page 2 - i find the text too short. If you would change the text on the first page then you could write more here. So the second page text could look something like this:

You could say Bam lives on the house rather than in the house because during the winter Bam spends most of his time on the roof. Bam is a crazy cat. For starters, he thinks his tail is an icicle.

page 3 - i like the idea about that sentence "Icicle, icicle, icicle, icicle, tail, icicle, icicle." but you could change the picture so the tail would really be a fifth icicle (now its number 6 ). I think some kids could find this confusing i alway pay attention to such thinks (even when i was a kid)

page 6 - be sure to include all the colors of the rainbow when coloring this page

page 12 - my favorite

page 14 - you could add one more sentence before this text. Something that years pass and everything stays the same or something i don't know.
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[eyewoo]

Thanks for the suggestions oDD... I'm going over them... agree with some, thinking about the others..
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[Matthew]

Hello
I was waiting to see some of this story and then you put out the whole one, thank you.
I�m not that good at story�s or such but I would have to say that I think that the first picture is the best, just love that perspective.
One thing about the second image would be to see some more orange color in that one, especially on the wall because of that in all the other pictures you have more orange, just a thought And the fact that I love orange and you are using it very well.

good work

P.S. Do you have a deadline on the story?

Happy New Year
Matthew

[edraket]

I liked it. Read the whole thing a few days ago but my internet died before I could reply. I think it is pretty cool. I like the illustrations. Its so very different from the other stuff i've seen you do too. (Maybe I just missed something)
It's so hard to judge how children would pick this up. Have you showed it to any kids yet?

[eyewoo]

Matthew... no deadline. I'm writing and illustrating it for myself.

edraket... Yes, this style is quite different for me. I wanted to develop a "quick" style that I could use to try and snag some editorial and magazine illustration work, but it fits children's illustration as well. I've tried to write several children's books over the years. This is the first one that comes even close to hitting the mark... Still working on it...
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[-- Transcendent --]

I think you should drop calling the cat in second person (he). It makes the story feel like a conversation.
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[[666]Flat]

Lookin' sweet, man. But due to my copy cat aspirations you have some serious competition to deal with:


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[eyewoo]

Hey Flat... I wanna buy the rights to that cool kitty tale... I see hollywood, not a sissy-assed child's book
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[Max]

I love it. One of the best children stories I've ever read! Very well done!!

[[666]Flat]

Oh well, Aye-Woo, there you go, you can get all rights fo' free! The negotiations with Disney went shitniz -- they said there ain't enough sex and violence to be of interest for a modern kid flicker. I guess if they made a new version of "Bambi" there had to be lots of skull breaking cyborgs and killer plants (!) in it to be profitable. Damn wut fre4ky times we're livin' in!!1?
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[tayete]

I agree with ODD about the # position of the tail between the icicles.
What I disagree with him is about the texts: my daughter (18 months old, still not a reader but a fanatic of magazines, kids pictures books, and anything that has text/pictures stamped on it) prefers still big pictures to text. But what I've been noticing with other kids who could read, is that reading is still a hard work for them. They feel really satisfied when they can read small paragraphs like the ones EYEWOO has written, but slightly larger ones bore them, as they start to loose the flow of the story and get tired of the effort of reading. I must say that when I was 4 years old I could read quite well big books without pictures, but that's just because I am a taliban of reading
So, I guess for kids between 18 months-3/4 years more or less, it is allright.
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[JFreak]

Hey Eyewoo... I can finally see it. (The browser at work didn't support it before) First of all, great story. The writing is simple with just enough repetition for children. I can picture kids loving the icecle, icecle tail part and reading it outloud everytime their mom reads it to them. One of the only things that sticks out in my mind is the spring scene. The flowers and trees form too much or a border in the bottom of the picture in comparison with all the other illustrations. Have you considered doing a similar treatment using leaves in the autumn picture?
I'm thinking back to when I worked in a library and one thing I remember about just about all the childrens books were that they had an equally attractive back cover and brightly coloured endsheets, often with illustrations on them. Obviously that's all icing (icecles?) on the cake, but I can picture something like Bam sitting on the roof with a capture "He was one crazy cat" to be on the back cover....
Once again, good stuff. I'll have to order one when you get it published
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Nahum 1:7

[eyewoo]

Mike... Thanks for the comment. The spring picture is still being worked on... You're right... It might have gotten a bit out of hand. I wanted it to just look so full of stuff that poor Bam would be totally depressed. At any rate, this is still a work in progress. I appreciate your incites.
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