[Basse_Ex]

My first art post here. Two 2-page-layouts for a story a friend of mine is writing. Drawn in half of print size(Should be up double of print size before I start inking). I'm having some trouble with the first two pages. Something is wrong. Can anybody help me, pretty please with sugar on top?

pages 5-6 layout:

web page

Pages 7-8 layout:

web page

All comments and critique VERY welcome.
(PS, don't comment on the character's hair being different in each shot. I haven't done any final character concept yet).

(Edit: Hopefully I've managed to make the pics show up a bit smaller, so they wont take as much of your valuable screen-size and load-times. Oh, and I've added a newer version of page 5 in a later post)

[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: Basse_Ex ]

[Sumaleth]

Yeah, nice story telling in those pages. Space seems to be wasted a bit, at least compared to what you usually see in comics. The first page is perhaps a wee little bit confusing too, but it's probably nothing major.

Row.

[Basse_Ex]

Thanks for the comments. The storytelling is a bit drawn out, but I'm aiming more for a semi-manga pace, like in Frank Millers "Sin City" or Paul Popes work. There will be some text on the first pages, but it's not finalized yet, so I haven't drawn in the text panels(I hope there's enough space for it, but I really think I will have to shrink the picture elements in some of the panels). The first page is a bit confusing and it's that which I need help for.

Anyone else? Please?

[Kaete]

I think the direction of the panels and the markings on the man's face lead to the confusion. Both are easily fixed.



When I first read the page, my eyes followed the red arrow line. So the story came out something like this:

A.) A man stands, deep in thought.

B.) He wipes his brow --- he's tired, or weary.

C.) He looks up to see...

E.) ...smoke! Fire on the horizon!

F.) Gasp!

G.) Must warn the village! Run...

H.) Run...

I.) RUN!

And then I noticed panel X. Whoa, wait, who was this guy? Is he talking to the other --- oh, he's still got the tool, so he must be the same guy... What's he doing?

The reason I was confused about the man's identity was the dark line on his face. Is it shadow? Facepaint? If it's something like a tribal tatoo, then it should definitely show up on his face in the other panels too.

Panel X also get's easily ignored because of the way you nicely lined up the other panels. Panel C naturally leads to panel E because their bottom lines match up. (As pointed out by the green dotted line).

The way you lined up the bottoms of panel A and F also contribute to this, though to a lesser extent. (See purple dotted line.) This lining up of the panels creates a nice, unified whole. Unfortunately, that makes Panel X tend to get lost.

After a few seconds thought I think I figured out the way you *wanted* the audience to read. That's the blue arrow line. That would make the page read as:

A.) A man stands, deep in thought.

B.) He wipes his brow --- he's tired, or weary.

C.) He looks up to see...

D.) Nothing. Just plain old grass. "Man, am I bored of guard duty," he grumbles.

X.) But then he hears something. "What the..?" He turns his head to look behind him and sees...

E.) ...Fire on the horizon!

F.) Gasp!

G.) Must warn the village! Run...

H.) Run...

I.) RUN!


Is that what you were going for? If I'm wrong, just tell me to get lost.

I think the major problem is D and X. Since D is just grassland, the reader tends to ignore it. It becomes just background to the page, so the reader doesn't realize it's a part of the story.

What you need is something *in* panel D to pull the reader's eye down. It doesn't have to be big. In this case I threw in a little stick figure, but it could be anything. A big rock, a barren tree, etc.



Then you can also put that same person/rock/whatever in panel X. It shows that the man was looking in that direction, then heard something and looked behind him. It gives the reader something to orient around, so they can better understand what the man is doing.

I really do like the layout of that page. With just a little tweaking, it'll be perfect.

[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: Kaete ]

[saladbowl]

Nice work on the comic and NICE WORK helping him, Kaete!
That kind of posting is why sijun is awsome...

[Basse_Ex]

wow...

(allow me some time to get it all in. I'm really tired now, and I gotta get to bed. I'll answer you tomorrow)

(PS! Thanks a lot Kaete!)

[BASTION]

I agree, it's crits like that that make this place so great. That's some of the best advice on storytelling I have read for awhile, I think I'll keep it in mind for my next lot of sequentials!

oh and nice work Basse_Ex, make sure you make the most of it. I think this will look great when it's tightened up a bit. Love the shape of the guy running through the grass in the last panel of page 1.

[Basse_Ex]

Ok... let's see...

Kaete: Thank you a lot for the insightful critique. It helped a lot. But... unfortunatly advice came a little late, as I had already broken down in sheer agony, and run off crying to my father, who gave me more or less the same advice as you, at least concerning the link between images 3 and 5(or C and X)....(OK, it might not have happened that dramatically).
This is a quick mock-up of the changes I decided to do after the advice from my father:


web page

As you see, some of the problems are fixed(I hope). But reading your critique set my mind ablaze with tiny small ideas I will try to incorperate as soon as possible.

Now, over to your interpretation of the story.
Your wrong, get lost!(Isn't that what you told me to tell you?)
The things you were wrong about are things that you couldn't know, since they are explained in the 4 pages leading up to this, and two things that are directly related to my rendering.
Your second attempt at finding the reading sequence is correct. But...
....in picture D(4) he looks at the field and sees.... shadows!(while the pictures and the words will clearly state that it's a cloudless day)
And that's why he turns around, and that's the weird thing covering half his face. This is a problem related to my rendering in the layouts, and I hope and think I will manage to make it reasonably clear in the final version.
Some minor things you were wrong about is that he's a guard(He's actually harvesting, and his weapon is a scythe[?]), and that it's a village(It's a single house alone on the praerie[or whatever]), but both these things are explained more in the pages not shown here.

You seem to have a quite excellent eye for composition, and again I thank you very much for being so kind as to help me on these pages.

I will update the pages as soon as I do new version of them, but it may take a while since I have to finalize the character concepts and discuss the text with the writer, before I do a new version.
Also I have a party-flyer design I have to finish before I can return to this story, but hopefully it wont take to long.

(PS! English isn't my first language and I tend to fumble up some sentences. So excuse me if I'm a bit unclear).

(PPS! Although Kaete seems to get all the thanks here, I must not forget to thank for all the other kind words. So... thanks!).

[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: Basse_Ex ]